PB and Janey

Most of you know that I was vegan for about a year and a half; while I gave off the impression that it was peachy keen and all rainbows it was hard for me physically and mentally. Going vegan set me into the deepest hole of disordered eating that to this day I’m still trying to recover from. Veganism is often a front, at least it was for me, as an effort to lose weight and achieve a waify figure entirely by restriction. Veganism gave me an excuse to reject food and made my restriction ‘valid’. I’m sad writing this because the movement itself does incredible things, and I’m not discounting that; I still encourage everyone to look up what goes on in the food industry, particularly in the meat and dairy industries.

What we don’t realize is how much harm we are doing to our bodies and our minds. I began with restrictive eating late in high school after seeing the results of restricting calories. Originally inspired by the IIFYM, If It Fits Your Macros, community with specific workouts and calculated calorie counting. Slowly, I began seeing more and more vegan videos and the different subcategories. High Carb Low Fat, Raw Till 4, ‘normalized’ vegan, I’ve tried all of them. My weight fluctuated throughout this time. Slowly I got more and more sucked into this world and at the beginning of 2016 I cut out all animal products.

In the beginning, I was so, excited to talk about it, I had never felt better. I had also joined my sorority at this time and I was completely isolated when it came to eating, I was the only vegan I knew for most of my journey. I began to feel trapped and would binge on things I could eat at any semblance to feel satisfied and normal. At one point it got to a point where I felt so trapped and isolated that I would give up on dinner to the point where my parents became concerned. Not only was I terrifying myself, but also my friends and family had no idea what to do.

I felt guilty for a while, how dare I give up on this movement that promoted riding society of animal cruelty. Veganism had become my identity and I was very outspoken about the cause. So how can I just flip the switch and begin eating animal products again? How can I forget everything I have seen, every story I had read?

It’s been around five months since I started eating animal products again. I still feel isolated and my stomach still hurts but this time it’s because I’ve made my body intolerant to things that I enjoyed before cutting them out of my diet. In my desire strive to be smaller I completely destroyed my bodies natural systems that register when I’m full or when I’m hungry.

The movement has died down from what it was when I was introduced to the lifestyle. I’m writing this as a counter to the idyllic, nothing wrong can occur here world. I want to help girls like myself who feel so desperate to lose weight and be the “ideal size”. I don’t want to feel lost and helpless when it comes to eating anymore. Food is such a large part of culture and society, it’s for celebration and it’s meant to be a joyous part of life, not a dreadful subject that is anxiety-inducing.